Let’s talk about something most people struggle with but rarely say out loud: the inner critic. That voice in your head that says you’re not doing enough, not good enough, not strong enough. It might sound like a drill sergeant, or maybe it’s quieter—just a steady drip of doubt that wears you down over time.
As a therapist, I see this pattern again and again: anxiety, depression, and self-criticism tangled together like a ball of knots. Pull on one, and the others tighten. But once you understand how they connect, it becomes easier to start loosening things up.
Self-Criticism: The Hidden Engine
Self-criticism often shows up early in life. Maybe it was a parent’s voice, a teacher’s comment, or the pressure to be perfect. Over time, we internalize that voice until it feels like our own.
At its core, self-criticism is usually an attempt at protection. It tries to keep us from failing, from being rejected, from getting hurt. But the strategy backfires. Instead of keeping us safe, it ends up fueling anxiety and depression.
Anxiety: Living in the “What Ifs”
When you’re anxious, your mind jumps to worst-case scenarios. You constantly scan for danger—social, emotional, professional, you name it. And when your inner critic is loud, anxiety goes into overdrive. It tells you: “You’ll mess this up,” “People will think you’re stupid,” or “You’re not trying hard enough.”
The result? You’re stuck in hypervigilance. You might avoid things, overthink everything, or keep pushing yourself until you burn out. The critic says, Try harder. Anxiety says, You’re not ready. Neither gives you a break.
Depression: The Weight That Follows
Eventually, that anxious hustle leads to exhaustion. That’s where depression often slides in.
Self-criticism, again, plays a big role here. When things don’t go well, the critic doesn’t say, “That was a tough situation.” It says, “You failed.” Over time, that message wears you down. You stop feeling motivated. Everything feels heavy, meaningless, or numb.
And here’s the kicker: depression makes that inner critic sound more believable. It reinforces the feeling that you are the problem. Not the stress, not the circumstances—just you.
The Loop: How They Keep Each Other Alive
It’s a cycle:
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Anxiety makes you strive and fear failure.
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Self-criticism punishes you no matter how hard you try.
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Depression drains your hope and energy.
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Then the critic blames you for feeling depressed.
Round and round it goes.
So… What Helps?
The good news is that none of this is fixed. These patterns are learned—and they can be unlearned. Therapy helps, of course, but here are a few gentle first steps anyone can try:
1. Catch the critic. Start noticing when that harsh voice shows up. What does it say? Whose voice does it sound like? What does it want from you?
2. Name it. Giving the critic a nickname (like “the Judge” or “the Drill Sergeant”) can help you create distance. You’re not the critic. You’re the one hearing it.
3. Try a different voice. What would a kind, wise friend say to you in that moment? What if you talked to yourself like someone you care about?
4. Track the cycle. Notice how criticism fuels your anxiety or low mood. See if you can spot the pattern in real time. Awareness is the first crack in the loop.
5. Give yourself permission to be human. That means mistakes, bad days, feeling overwhelmed. None of it means you’re broken.
Final Thought
If you live with anxiety or depression, and you have a brutal inner critic, you’re not alone—and you’re not weak. You’ve probably been surviving under pressure for a long time. But surviving isn’t the same as thriving.
You don’t have to fight your way out. You can start by softening the way you talk to yourself.
Gentleness isn’t weakness. It’s the medicine the critic never learned to give you—but you can learn to give it to yourself.
Have you tried all this and it’s still not working or want some extra support along the way? Join me and learn the art of self compassion.